By Matt Gordon
I’m going on revival!
That’s right, there is a full-on American Revival (AR™) going on in Kentucky. Apparently, there is an aura of the very Spirit of God manifesting itself and drawing people into a pure state of worship and love and peace and joy. Heaven has broken through, a shimmer of light to this dark, cold world.
And I’m going!
I’m going on revival! Me!
I just have to take care of a few details and I’m off—onward and upward. I’m going on revival!
Revival Checklist:
-I’ll need to contact organizers about microphones and video equipment. I’d like to blog and vlog and Tweet and Insta and TikTok my entire experience. The world needs to see me—I mean this. It is important that the truth goes out. Also, this could really be a boost to my clicks, follows, and book sales. Such an incredible opportunity for me! This could be the big break I’ve been waiting for all my life! I skimmed a prayer on Twitter the other day about God providing just what we need. And I’ve been really feeling a void in my life from not having enough attention and money and opportunity. And then, BOOM! this revival happens and I can’t help but think it is sort of all about me. God is so good! #Exciting!
-Be sure to pack Holy Grail. Holy Grail is what I call my favorite worship therm—the one I take to church every week. I top it off with premium roast and it just balances perfectly with my alternate praise hand. Hand up-Eyes closed-Radiant face-Sip. Hand up-Eyes closed-Radiant face-Sip. If they play the right songs, I can straight worship and sip all day (and by “all day” I mean four songs max. Even the holy need to rest their legs, Bethel Music, okay?).
-Speaking of music, I need to contact revival management about the schedule and line-up. I’d hate to travel all that way and get the dud acts or just be there for an a cappella set. Think of traveling literal hours and just seeing a bunch of student confessions or testimonies or quiet prayer!? Gag me. No, I want to make sure to get the big-name bands. Speakers, too. Heavy hitters. No has-beens or small-church weirdos. I wonder if they have some sort of flowchart to help attendees best match their attendance schedule with proper theology and musical preferences? I’ll suggest it to the organizers. Maybe there is still time to develop and launch a crude app of some sort? Might be too late for that, which is why they should probably stop waiting till the last minute to plan these things. I mean, I haven’t even been able to find a good Asbury Revival website, much less a Twitter account. Come, Lord Jesus, amirite? Amateur hour.
-Check in about merch. Obviously, I want some stuff—maybe a Spirit-inspired hoodie? But I also want something that will last longer, like a chunk of pew or something? That way when my kids are older I can show it to them when I show them the foul balls I’ve collected at different baseball stadiums and drumsticks from some great concerts I’ve been to. I want them to know that #Jesus was pretty important to me, too. I put a freaking Bible verse as my Facebook background for, like, two months! I’ve gone so far as to list attending revivals as a bucket-list item for me if any happen to be near some of the Major League ballparks that I see a game in. Sort of a two-doves-one-stone approach.
-Look into accommodations. Sometimes people get pretty carried away with this stuff. Like they used to sleep in barns and in haystacks and such when revivals would pop up. When I read about some of this, I can hardly believe how we used to revival! If those woebegone saints of yesteryear could see how we Sunday now! They wouldn’t even recognize the worship! No, this ain’t your grandpappy’s revival. Or, at least, it doesn’t have to be. Really, from what I can see, Asbury seems to be pretty distracted. They aren’t even thinking about what's important--the very creature comforts that really keeps a crowd! Ever heard of a fog machine, Asbury, for Peter's sake!? Hopefully, they wake up soon and get with the times. There may not have been anywhere for baby Jesus to lay his head, but we’ve come a long way since Bethlehem, and I’m going to need a King Suite, okay? Some folks apparently will still, even today, sleep in tents, and truly, I’d be fine with laying down my cross and glamping
—and by glamping I mean staying in a hotel that has a wilderness motif, like a Great Wolf Lodge or something. I get it—we all need to make sacrifices for the good of the Revival. If we all make a bunch of sacrifices like this, this could be the marquee event at finally putting the “mega” in front of our churches and ratcheting up giving for years! We just really have to play this right and market it well—so much opportunity!
-Pack my very best premium Christian fitness apparel. Dressed to be blessed!
-Check flights. The drive to Kentucky pretty much sucks. Even the self-driving feature of my car can’t redeem that sinful slog of a drive. But I also don’t want to have some stupid layover in Cincy or some such hellscape—I mean I’m on a pilgrimage to Heaven and all. No, if I can get something direct on a premium airline—I’m off to see the Spirit not fly Spirit, you know?—that’s the play. Next time, though, we should really plan on having this somewhere with more infrastructure. Maybe somewhere tropical. Or maybe a mountaintop? The pics would be way better, and with some advanced marketing and lead management, I bet we could quadruple attendance. Maybe even multi-site this motha? The Asbury thing is cute and all, but if we put our best and brightest on it, I bet we could really build something impressive. Heaven won't need to come down if we can just build our way up to it!
-Pack a few extra Bibles. In case there are some signing opportunities of some big-name pastors/evangelists/bloggers/politicians/athletes or other revival celebrities, I need to stay ready to be awed and network.
-Pray for good weather. You pack all those bodies into some old-A building and it can get
staler than month-old manna.
-Oh, and speaking of bread, I need to make sure they have my preferred brand of communion elements. Swimsuit season is coming and I’ve sworn off carbs. I’m pretty sure I can remember Christ’s sacrifice AND keep my body as a temple, holy and shredded up!
So. Much. To. Do!
I’m going on revival!
Who knows what all I’m forgetting, too! Either way, I have to head out—hopefully, they were decent enough to put the revival site near a good mall if I forget any essentials or need a shot of Starbucks between sessions.
Last I saw, the revival was pretty tame—just a bunch of prayer and worship and wholehearted devotion. Kind of a snooze-fest. But I’m sure we can modernize it—wake it up.
From what I saw, it was currently non-commercial and not seeking a bunch of attention—what a waste! But I’m not going to let that dissuade me—I’m sure it will pick up soon. Hopefully, by the time I get there, it will be the American Revival I’ve been preparing for my whole life.